This 12th day of August it will be that time again ... My age converts itself into a whole new number and I really have to claim that I'm absolutely not sure what this specific number should indicate about me being a total grown-up now.
In fact, there haven't been that much changes: I'm still an artist and that is probably the reason why growing up doesn't seem to be too relevant for me. I still don't care about being responsible-minded when it comes to insurances, bank accounts or future employers (even if I do all those things accurate and with lots of caution, they're definitely not my top priority in daily discussions and thoughts).
Compared to other young adults of my age (who always pretend to be much more grown up in mind than I am and start treating me like an infantile being stuck in one of her teenager crisis ^^)
I'm not seeking for alcohol and superficial joys as a refuge from all those rationalities.
And I definitely don't want to advocate for my introvert lifestyle but step by step I came to the conclusion that there could be nothing else that would better work for me than creating my own parallel universe (where some aspects of our capitalist system is included - because even I am not able to fully seal myself off - but they're absolutely not the main focus of everything).
Now that I'm turning another year older, (the magic number of 19) I'm realising that I'm closer than ever to my twenties (I'm far beyond a so-called "age regressor" and at that point I always like to refer to the stereotypical midlife crisis women at the age of 40 or even 50 with their fears of getting older because of an increased number of wrinkles on their skins .. :) In some aspects I share their anxieties (NOT when it comes to the outward appearance and other similar superficialities - BUT when it comes to the fear of having to fit in certain images that have been created to keep society going without showing any consideration to free-minded spirits, dreamers and artists).
Personally, I'm above such things, because I already accepted me being different than society would love me to be. But as I'm growing older, those typical fears start occuring in my mind and I can do nothing to banish them out of my thoughts - except escaping even more into my unique self-created universe.
I've never met like-minded spirits, who share those insecurities and that's also one reason why I'm not that sure about feeling this way - especially on the days before every single birthday since I got 16.
Everyone in my closest surrounding (which means my neighborhood and family members) seems to be the most cheeriest when it comes to growing older as a young adult but I finally realized that I could never face a happiness just for the reason that I'm turning more responsible and start transforming myself into a rational human being (that I'll never ever be ...)
But: To not further dive into melancholia, I wanted to add, that realizing that I'll always have a mindset that differs from society's perceptions transformed my personality into one that is stronger than ever.
I would never voluntarily change my life towards the so-called "standard" because I'm aware that it would crush my personal desire for freedom and artistic activity.
And that's why I'm completely pleased with who I am and what I stand for.
If you struggle with the same topics, I'm aware that everybody must find his or her peace on his or her own because it's a process that is completely influenced by the OWN mind and its capacity for accepting.
Nevertheless I'd like to appeal to YOUR strength of will! (even if I don't know you)
By getting into the struggle (and not being able to solve it - for now) you've already decided for YOUR TRUE SELF instead of succumbing to an easier life composed of the denial of your personality and that's really admirable! Think of yourself as an unique self-realization-project standing above all conformity and you'll realize that you've chosen the right direction. As time goes by and you start getting more comfortable with your TRUE SELF you'll lose those fears and insecurities step by step.
I'm aware that I could never count as a role model, because I'm still wandering on the path of accepting, but if we follow our own ways parallel to one another, we'll possibly make it through this labyrinth of discovering the TRUE SELF faster than we used to think...
For my 19th birthday I had several plans made up some months before ... (as always: most of them couldn't be realized - but I don't even care anymore because it's always like this ^^ - finally I've accepted that my plans tend to crush after I've once noted them into my various calendars and notebooks).
I think it was one day in December when I realized, that this years M'era Luna (one of the festivals I'd love to visit - even if I know that HUUGE gatherings of people make me shudder immediately) will be on the 11th and 12th of August - which means that I could have the possibility to celebrate my birthday on a typical festival day with awesome music, tons of shopping opportunities *faint* while wearing something I'm not that comfortable to wear outside of my Gloomy Mansion.
Although this being the ultimate birthday celebration that I've always wanted and wished for, I realized that it would never be possible. Apart from my duties towards my beloved animals - who would never want me to leave my home for more than one full day - I realized that I would have to travel all on my own, if I really wanted to go.
And believe me: being in Hildesheim one day definitely belongs to one of my ultimate dreams - this year I would have been super excited about the performances of London After Midnight, Merciful Nuns, Das Ich, Zeraphine, Clan of Xymox, The 69 Eyes, Welle: Erdball, Apoptygma Berzerk, In Strict Confidence, In Extremo, Lacrimas Profundere, Frozen Plasma, Peter Heppner, Bannkreis and obviously Saltatio Mortis (I can't even wait for the release of their new album "Brot und Spiele" which will be on the 17th of August !!!)
Apart from that I'd love to attend the reading of Christian Von Aster (His poems combined with an unique humor are more than incredibly stunning and fascinating!)
In addition to that I would have signed up for several workshops such as the informative speech about the roots and habits of true Voodoo magic (I've always been interested in those kinds of things)
BUT: There is aid during difficult times. Just as I did during the weekend of Pentecost (WGT!!!) I downloaded the official App to plan my "festival stay" without actually being there ...
- introvert and animal obsessed lifestyle for the win -
So on the 11th and 12th of August you could probably discover me wandering from the Main Stage to the Hangar Stage and back again to the Academy Salon while actually leaving my bathroom and walking into the living room of my gloomy mansion ... ^^
But for the reason that I'd love to be with my closest relatives on my birthday and for the reason that they absolutely disrespect festivals with loud music and visitors only dressed in dark clothing I decided for something that I could realize with my whole family.
So my actual plan (hopefully it can be realized and won't be smashed into thousand pieces by my own chaotic and spontaneous spirit ...) is composed of a cinema visit and a dinner in my favorite Vegan restaurant in Munich - Max Pett! I'm so super excited about those two projects (I'm aware that it could be much much more spectacular and sensational ... BUT: I've never been that kind of person who was longing for huge bouncy castles set up in the garden or amusement park visits with tons of other children ... *sigh* ...)
Discovering the movie was actually a pretty amusing story because the film I decided for is in fact THE ONLY film that is availiable on this day (it's Sunday, so I'm not that surprised ... even if I'm going to the biggest and most famous movie theatre in Munich!).
The movie is called "Christopher Robin" and I'm sure that no film could be more fitting to my thoughts at the moment. I'm impressed how accurate the movie set-up underlines my emotional turmoil! Great job!
"Christopher Robin" (as you could probably indicate from the name itself) is directly adapted to the story of Winnie Pooh (which I loved in my childhood because it delivered all those important values such as friendship, truthfulness and gentleness) but it's not fully animated.
The movie tells the story of the grown-up Peter Robin who realizes that he has lost all his childish spirits and has adapted himself to the stereotypical adult business life.
With the aid of his former friends of the Hundred Acre Wood such as Winnie The Pooh, Tigger, Piglet or Roo he step by step initiates the revival of his personal childhood with all the lightheartedness, big dreams and happiness.
It couldn't get any better for my 19th birthday and I'm really amazed that this "preview" is set up on the day of my birthday in my local cinema of trust!
I definitely recommend everyone to watch this film - its scenes have been filmed beautifully and the actors delivered more emotions than I've ever gathered during a 104 minutes cinema experience.
Even though some phrases seem to be pretty cheesy I adored the action very much because it was all about friendship, family and eternal childhood. Especially the guiding principle: "Idleness leads to the most beautiful something" stayed in my head and will possibly remind me in future situations of stress, grief and mental burnouts to not overcharge my own capacities ...
For the reason that it was a preview before the actual cinema release of the movie "Christopher Robin" I also got a cute festival bracelet with the quote "One day spent with you is my favorite day" and the face of Winnie The Pooh on it.
After I've left the cinema we went to Max Pett and ordered a huuuuge delicious vegan meal.
This day I did NOT ordered my typical sweet cut-up pancake with raisins (could that be the actual english word for "Kaiserschmarren" ??? - I'm more than confused ^^) ... BUT I chose a greek salad with baked vegan feta made out of almonds. What should I even add to this description without watering your mouth instantly? Obviously I had to get desert after that so I ordered the obligatory vegan ice cream dish consisting of chocolate, vanilla and hazelnut ...
More than satisfied I left the restaurant while getting tons of nasty looks of unnown people for being who I am ... But I already got along with it, so that's not that special anymore!
If you're craving amazing VEGAN FOOD and visit Munich: http://www.max-pett.de/blog/
When I finally arrived in my gloomy castle again (way too many people out there ...) I dedicated myself to my presents and the M'era Luna stream (especially the concerts of Peter Heppner, Saltatio Mortis and some songs of Eisbrecher - I danced through the first two titles but then I realized that my legs won't function anymore until the next song and I finally went to sleep in my batcave next to battie and all the other nightly creatures ... 🖤 (obviously hanging head-down from the ceiling - why do you even question something that is so commonplace?)
I'm soon going to post my first YouTube Video which will probably be a vlogging / haul blend (not even partly professional ^^) where you can follow the path of a true weirdo-introvert leaving her mansion to dissolve into the real world ...
Apart from that I'll try to show you my birthday presents (especially music CDs and Vinyls + some dresses from EMP that I've always longed for)! So stay tuned and await the release of my first real YouTube video (Wohooo! *Cheers*) ...
One thing that really surprised me on my birthday (YES! That is possible because I won't categorize myself as an adult and probably never will ...) was the cake, that has been prepared the night before my birthday by all family members together.
I can't even express my great love for this cake! Just look at the self-made design and you'll possibly understand me being completely speechless after having seen it for the first time ... 🖤🦇
STAY WEIRD, UNIQUE & OBSCURE
THOUSANDS OF VIRTUAL BLACK HEARTS,